IN THE TRENCHES OF MOTHERHOOD.
Social media is an amazing community. I have gained so many amazing friendships and connected with so many amazing people through the world that I would never have had a chance to without social media. I do my best to be honest and raw about my motherhood journey, the fact is motherhood is no joke, and for some its just harder than others. Guys this post is going to be long and truthful.
I am not so good with communication in hard times. When I am going through something, or my depression and anxiety gets the better of me, I close myself off, in a very public manner. I continue to do things, I answer messages and phone calls. I laugh at funny remarks and still attend events and outings. Most people will have no idea that I am having a hard time. When you have dealt with depression and anxiety for a long time, you become really good at hiding it. I can be so good at hiding it that even the people closest to me have no idea what is going on in my head.
Last night, I broke. Because the thing is, you can only fake it for so long when you're a mother. 20 months ago, I would have been able to hide how I was feeling until I got out of my slump and was back to my usual self. But this motherhood thing, it has shaken my life up. Last night I said words that I have thought for so long, but continuously choked on them if Josiah asked me if I was okay. Last night I said "I don't want to be a mom anymore. Its too much and Im done." The truth is, I love being a mom, it brings me so much joy, but it also brings me an incredible amount of pain. The reason that they were thoughts for so long is because I felt too guilty to tell Josiah or anybody how I felt. I felt like Damian was better off without me, that I can't keep up, Im not happy enough, Im not good enough. BUT the thing is, the moment I said those words to Josiah, he didn't get mad or angry that I was feeling that way. He asked me "What can I do to help?" After feeling like I couldn't do this motherhood thing for a while now, I realized all I needed to do was say it. Because, people who love you and care for you shouldn't be judging how you feel. They should be asking how they can help, even if they don't understand.
In that moment when Josiah asked how he could help, I just cried, because I wasn't sure. All I knew is I needed some encouragement. The weird thing is, once I said those words out loud, a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I'm positive I am not the only mom out there that has wanted to quit before, but the problem was it was overtaking my thoughts.
The good news is I woke up this morning feeling happy. Feeling like through these struggles, I can be an amazing mom to Damian. That I need to give up on hiding my thoughts and feelings and start talking about them so that I can let them go. I woke up to a message from my husband that was encouraging and filled with love.
I am not sure what tomorrow or even later today will bring for us, but I do know that I'm going to continue to be open about my journey through motherhood. If you're having a hard time, please know that I am here for you, you won't be met with judgement or condemnation, but with love and sympathy.
Photo by the amazing @menzevisuals. Find her on instagram and follow her.