OH HEY, ITS BEEN A WHILE
It is so easy to get lost in the world. So easy to be unsure where your place is. In a world that calls us to hustle, to do more, to expand our capacity, that our time needs to be filled making ourselves better and being the best. For myself, I found myself lost. Not at peace with who I was because I was not sure who I was called to be anymore.
A little back story. Josiah and I were never sure about having kids, we LOVED kids, but our own? We really weren’t sure of it. What we did know is that at 30 we were going to decide and have one kid if we were ready at that point. Let me tell you, God works in ways I do not always like. I knew I was pregnant. Sitting in a meeting with our financial adviser, all I could think of was that I get my period at 8am on the day its suppose to make its visit, and it did not arrive. When my doctor told me I was pregnant she had to double check the test because it was so faint. (I think I was just three, maybe three and a half weeks). She was so excited for me. And I was excited and scared and the first words out of my mouth was “CAN I STILL GO ON OUR EUROPE TRIP?”
I became so excited to become a mom and I had it all figured out, I watched all the ladies I looked up to stay involved at church, get back to their businesses right away and it all seemed so effortless. After having Damian I had such high expectations of myself, to get back out to my business, to start up a personal blog, to excel as an entrepreneur and be a MOM BOSS. A HUSTLER. A DREAM CHASER. Here is the thing though, I silently suffered feeling lonely with Josiah travelling, missing my babe so much and feeling like I was weak to just stay home and “just be a wife and mom.” I was disappointed in not being able to do it all and started to think I was not capable of anything. That I wasn’t smart enough or educated enough. I began regretting so many of my life choices. Not trying harder in high school. WHY THE HELL DID I NOT GO TO UNIVERSITY?!?!
My problem was I kept focusing on what I thought other people wanted me to be. Not who God was calling me to be. The past three years I think I spent so much of my time being anxious for what I was going to do with my life, being fearful that I wasn’t going to become anything at all. In the last six months I have really started to understand that my value is in Jesus. That I don’t need to become anything. That right now I can be at peace managing our home, guiding our children and being content with my life.
So here’s to finally being comfortable to come back to blogging, to knowing my value lies with Jesus and Him alone. That this place can be safe and a fun area to share the fun and the hardships of life.
if you made it through this lengthly post, bless you.